I just thought I'd let you all know I am on the ning participating in BEDA (Blog everyday in April) check me out there. My Ning.

I am feeling so down. I am cutting people out and I just want to feel life again.
I've been this roller coaster and I thought I was doing okay and this morning I felt chipper too. and then it all went down hill. I mean everyday has been a bit of  a roller coaster for me but normally I can buck up and take it. Today is different. I feel bad about certain people and things. Things I can't control. Reactions I can't make sense of and I feel like a terrible friend to some people right now. The thing is I am trying to be a good friend but this one friend was a bad friend and then I shut him out and now I am trying to make it better and I think he is now pissed at me because of a reaction I had to something he told me. My reaction wasn't this way or that it was just acceptance and I think he wanted me to throw a parade for him. But I just couldn't muster the strength to be super peppy and be a cheerleader. Because his life did something that it always eventually does, and yes it is good but it is also normal so I had a normal reaction. And now it feels worse than it did when he was treating me like crap for the last two months because he isn't even responding to me. But you know, I am going though stuff and I thought he'd understand and he doesn't he just is just expecting things to be like it was 7 months ago when my family was balanced. I mean my family has never been perfect but it was pretty good for once for two weeks it felt like that two weeks could have lasted a while longer and then it all got shook up. And after I told him about my dad he only once, ONCE in the bi-weekly conversations we had asked me how things were.

It's like he forgot and I get he hates his family but I was there for him when his sister was going though chemo for the second time and when he thought it was back again the week before my dad was diagnosed.

I don't know. I am just angry at him. And it seems to pop in my head a lot. Because so many people ask me about him, because I was the only one who kept connected to him, and now we couldn't be further apart.

There are other things on my mind, but I don't know what I want to say about it.

I've been having these moments.

I wake up in the morning and I forget. My life is what it once was, there is no evil lurking at my door. The rug is not about to be swept from under my feet. All is the same as it has always been. And then I remember that everything is different. My life is not the same.

Since I found out, I've been avoiding it. It is so easy to lie to myself. I told myself wait for all the results and then deal. Because there is nothing I can do about it. And there still is nothing I can do about it. But since learning that he will die from this, I found it's been harder to lie to myself. And the moments are more frequent.

I used to have them only when I woke up and then the dark cloud would follow me everywhere. I could smile through it. I could be me, just a little sadder... now I find I get happy for a moment, laugh at a joke and then I remember and it's like the world is crumbling around me.

He's not going to get better.
I can't lie and say it's a possibility.
It's in him and it won't go away.
And then he will die because it is there.

I just talked to one of my cool cousins. One of the ones that has always let me be me and even if he does still look at me like I'm 4 years old, he always has understood that sometimes there are no words or anything to make anyone feel better. He said very little, it was his dad who had died just under two years ago of cancer. So he knows what we are going through. But his few words, his statement of "I'm here if you need me 24/7" was probably one of the most reassuring things I've heard in a while.

Okay, so this is a hard one for me. In part because I don't know if I have the guts to be more honest with myself here than I do in my head. I keep pushing my real feelings away from me. My dad has cancer... there it's out there for all the world to know and understand my crazy mood swings! It has and hasn't hit me. I cried about it for the first time three days ago, after almost three weeks of knowing. Before that I was just waiting. My eyes would get teary but never full on tears. The same thing kind of happened after my uncle passed... it took a while for the tears to come. But I had way more relief when they came than I did this time. It was also a one time thing, I'm sure it will hit me again at some point.

I know I'm angry but that anger makes me feel guilty. I don't know what to do with it.

I've kept myself busy, ignoring a lot of what I'm feeling because I'm at home and I don't want to take my anger out on my family. There are some friends who I've turned to for distraction... most don't know what's going on with me though. So you now all officially have permission to let it flow through the grape vine, so I won't have to have awkward conversations announcing it. That's the other reason I'm writing this is so you all know and let it flow through the group.

On the note of awkward conversations. I finally had to field one of the family phone calls, and the least likely person hit the situation right on the head and I didn't know what to say. Her words of comfort were not really comforting, but hard hitting simply because it was honest... for once an honest response from her. But I couldn't comfort her any more than she could comfort me. And it didn't help that I was on the phone and she couldn't see my head nodding in agreement, probably making things more awkward.

My mum has this habit of hitting be with a lot of serious information when we are stuck alone in the car. I got a huge bomb of information and it was probably the first time she was so frank with me about the subject matter. At times I know she safeguards me and doesn't tell me everything, and I prefer when she does this sometimes just so I won't have to deal with stuff, but this time I got the whole picture and I'm not sure what to do with it.

Wow, it's been a while. I guess I realized I don't need this the way I did before. I used this to get out teen angst, and to keep connected to friends. But slowly people I know stopped using this. I guess so did I.

Anyway, life has been chugging along. I'm almost done my movie so in a few weeks we will see if my group makes it out alive! I got an internship which is super exciting because it means I MAY actually graduate on time. It's getting down to the wire here. I could defer for a semester if I don't get it done on time, but I want to leave with my friends!

Things are finally starting to steam in the love department for me. It's been long enough! Any way there is a guy I like and I'm fairly certain he's into me, just neither one of us has made the final move. I think when I see him next week it will get done though. We've slowly built up the flirting to the point where we aren't even pretending to be coy and pass it off as an accidental touch, friendly hug, or casual conversation. At least 5 guys made a reference to it to us directly and we both kept cuddling on the table, hugging etc... One of us just needs to make the plunge and do something about it and I have a plan. The one thing that keeps holding me back is that he keeps talking about a co-worker he likes. I think he wants me to be jealous, but I don't want to act that way because I don't like games and it does make me insane knowing that there is someone else he is into, but I know he's into me and I'm into him... uggghhhh boys!

Seriously he has to be into me though, he keeps hugging, he keeps grabbing my hand, putting his arms around me, tickling me, his hand ends up on my thigh a lot, friends don't do that. right?

Hey guys,
it's been a while. School has been CRAZY! I am done filming my movie! It has all been very, very stressful! There were a lot of snags, some controllable and some not so much!But at least filming is done. I have one piratical left to do and as of 2:15PM tomorrow I will be DONE for the semester!

Work sucks! Cheryl is being a petulant child as usual. My work schedule was fucked over, and then my hours got cut and the newbies are getting more than me. A bunch of people are on the verge of quitting and Cheryl seems to be pushing us all to go.

( Work rant )

As for me, right now things are strange. For a while I felt like everyone else was changing and now I know it is me and I feel like my friends that have been with me through thick and thin are fully aware of where I came from and where I am going and they accept that. But I feel like life is pulling me somewhere else right now. At school over the last few weeks I feel like I can really show my true colours and those friends don't know where I came from but they will be where I am going. And it feels really good. But moving on makes me feel like I am leaving a lot of people behind. And part of me is okay with that, I'm ready to leave some of them, because I know we will always have something special. But another part of me fears they will resent me moving on with my life.

As for school I have had a series of crushes, and they have just been crushes and I've moved on. But there is one guy I really dig. I've known him for a while, but we never really had classes together and now we talk a lot and the more I talk to him the more I like him. I think he is the kind of guy I could do the whole casual date thing with and if it didn't work out we would still be cool. But since last year's thing where I asked a classmate out, that didn't go so well and felt horribly awkward for me (not him), I haven't attempted to ask any one out. And I feel like I did with that first classmate, only more with this new guy because I really think it could potentially go somewhere real, where as the first guy I just liked him and the idea of getting out there. This guy... I am kind of falling for. I know I have to make my move soon if I am going to make one, simply because if we keep building a friendship at this rate we will be in the dreaded "friend zone" and then telling him I have a thing for him would be weird at that point, and I would probaly like him too much to do anything about it. If any of that makes any sense at all.

So ummm... yeah.


Keg party tomorrow. I am trés excited.

So crazy! I was just thinking of a song - The Pixies- Where is my Mind and then I go upstairs to my family room and some music from outside was interrupting my TV viewing, and some guy on the street is playing where is my mind! CRAZY!

EDIT: Now it's annoying, as for the last 10 minutes they have sat in their car listening to music, and now they're singing... loudly. before they were listening.

I'm kind of feeling that calm before the storm feeling. Although nothing spectacularly bad has happened, just some minor squabbles. With some major highs (Paolo Nutini)! I kind of feel like the tiniest feather will knock me over soon.

I feel like I'm getting it from all angles. There is an odd sort of symmetry happening at work and home. The battle is on and I feel like my soul is being torn into several pieces and spread around the battle ground. I was going to explain, but that says it all. I am a casualty of war, forever in no man's land.

Do you know what's creepy? When someone rings the door bell asking for my dad and my sister answers the door and the person says
"Is your dad home? ... Your dad right? "
CREEPY! First my dad is going to be 60 next year. Second my sister LOOKS like him!
CREEPY! My father isn't running around with some woman half his age!

If there is one thing, and one thing only that I miss about waking up this early, it's seeing mornings like this. It's so beautiful and peaceful out there.

*Angst* Where to begin.


( Erin Mills )

( Today )

So yeah, that was my day... and I get to do it again tomorrow.


This is so not worth the money.

This is so not worth the money. </p>

This will be quick because there is not much to say.
Yesterday I went to a family BBQ right after work. I thought it would be crap, but I actually had fun. Today I have a BBQ at my house and I wish to quote Clay Aiken "If I were invisible" that's where the quote ends because I don't wann be here. My mum is driving me nuts, and so is my dad. I think they are having a contest to see who will make me go bonkers first.(Right now dad's winning) I wish I were at Vicky's. BTW I am sorry I never emailed you about the BBQ everything was up in the air until I came home last night at 12 am.

My plan was to escape into the backyard but dad is now there BLASTING his music. Living up to every West Indian stereotype. Did I mention I do not want to be here. I suspect the family drama will be here tonight. There are several catalyst including one aunt and uncle who are on the rock, visiting relatives from England and my dad bought a case of beer. I want to vanish... I wish I was somewhere else right now.

Just watched the concert for Diana. Trés good. Josh Groban and Sarah Brightman performed my favourite song from Phantom, All I ask of you!For highlights Tanya Kim is the WORST interviewer ever! I think she must have slept with someone to get her job, because she SUCKS! Her camera etiquette is crap, she cuts off her guests, blocks the camera and is insincere... and her research is crap.

I am going to kill myself now  find a hiding spot. 

It's almost here! Harry Potter is almost over.And the movie comes out in a few weeks! BAHHAAAGGGAAA! I am going to explode with excitement! In honour of the Harry Potterness about to unfold. I have found one of the few pieces of fanfic that I read AND liked.... hahahaha biggerstaff
Nekked Quiddich

I mocked Voldemort ask me how.

Drama, drama, drama.

I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally and something else, I'm too tired to think of the right word. Arrg. I am tired of the little tug-of-war that is going on between Erin Mills and Square One. Cheryl dosen't have hours for me, Jenn does. I like Erin Mills. At first I didn't want to make a commitment to Erin Mills because I didn't know how long I's stick around. Now it seems like I will be with Coles until the end of the summer at least. I felt releved at first when Cheryl told me I couldn't leave square one because I didn't have to make a choice. Now I want it. For the amount of effort I put in at Square One it doesn't seem worth it. But at Erin Mills I feel like I accomplish more in a shift and yes it can be boring compared to Square One, at last I know I won't be there until 10 at night waiting for a bus, or still in the store cleaning! Everyone at Square One seems to be pissed about something right now. Cheryl has made it virtually impossible to work Erin Mills for the rest of the week and won't let Jenn take me next week. I just got my invoice for Seneca and I'm panicking a bit. I haven't saved up as much as I thought and scholarships and bursaries won't be in until later in the school year, IF I get them. Next week we are revamping the store (AKA optimization for my Coles Crew) and Cheryl will have hours to give. Only she has told myself, Josh and Kasey that we all will get more. I somehow doubt it will happen though, simply because she has told me I'd get more hours before and I only got 4 more. Also that week, I actually need some time off. I switched shifts so I could go to the Invisible Children thing, and now I need the Saturday off for a family event that I JUST found out about. Cheryl keeps on making me feel bad for working both stores, and booking time off.

dorkish_zigs I am almost done Alice, I think it is vair amusing. I think I love Georgia more though. Alice's mum vs. Linda was the most awesome thing EVER!! I also finished my annual rereading of Harry Potter and I can't wait for July 21st. Godric Hallow is totally the Deathly Hallow. I don't think Harry is a Horcrux (or however you spell it, I'm too tired to check it) RAB is totally Regulus! Snape... I don't know. Every time I think he is evil he does something good and vice versa. I don't know. Percy is still a git. I <3 Neville.

I'm sorry I have disappeared from the face of the planet.Last week sucked hard! I'm working both Erin Mills and Square One right now, so I am exhausted! There was some family drama. By Saturday my head felt like it would explode! I wanted to puke on the bus home from work and I was low on minutes, hence a lack of explanation for why I didn't go to the BBQ. I am so tired! I open in one store close in the next. I haven't been sleeping well, my feet are killing me, I've been very moody especially with certain co-workers at Square One. But I will get a really SWEET cheque at the end of the week! Hopefully it will make up for my lack of paying down my credit line to buy a 30 gig refurbished iPod for $199.
Sunday I went to the book expo and got a lot of books! I met Will Ferguson, he was so cool! We chatted! Yay, I am a book whore! I also got a copy of his new novel Spanish Fly. I also met Susan Juby author of Alice, I think if you like Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging or any other Georgia books you'd like her. I also got a copy of AJ Jacobs new book, A year of living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Obey the Bible As Literally As Possible. Any who, it was a good time with books. Now I am back to being vair tired, so I bid you adieu.