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30 July 2014 @ 12:34 am
As I lie here awake for what seems like the millionth night in a row, all the thoughts, mistakes and stupidity of the day...week..my entire life keep running my head. Why can't I be one of those people who lets everything go. A stupid sentence here and there will not mark me as the most uninteresting person on the planet... but it feels that way right now. I can even feel the ceiling judging me. The ceiling is telling me to give it a rest and magically become a more confident and present self. Well, presently, self is tired. And just wants to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can become that present self, because lying awake ain't helping.
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Mood: sleepysleepy
28 July 2014 @ 12:48 am
Well, well. It has been a while. Who would have guessed I'd end up here again? It's been a strange sort of weekend where I visited my high school self and I am left feeling... uncertain.

How did I get here? Would 18 year old me be okay with 28 year old me? Would 28 year old me really give a fuck about what 18 year old me thinks (at least a little bit)? Will 38 year old me be disappointed in her life? Will 38 year old me still feel like 18 year old me in so many ways?

Part of me wants to write my hopes and goals for the next 10 years, but 18 year old me never thought to do that. I'm not where I expected to be and in most ways I'm okay with that. But in some I feel like I should have moved beyond some things.

Granted I never would have thought back then that I would have said goodbye to a parent. I thought I'd get to 30 at least before having to deal with that. I thought I'd get a wedding, or my sister would. I thought one us would have walked down the aisle with dad. I thought one of us would have been close to getting married by this time too. But c'est la vie.

In 10 years what do I want? Who do I want to be?
I want mum to still be around. I want her to be healthy for her age. And happy.
I want my sister to have found someone to settle down with. To have a job she at least likes.
For myself I want to find a job I LOVE. To be happy and challenged by it. I want to be surrounded by many of the same incredible friends I have now (and have had since high school). I want to have had my heart broken by love - by sweeping romantic love. At least once within the next 10 years. By 38 I want to have climbed Machu Picchu, traveled to 3 more countries, jumped out of a plane and ridden in a hot air balloon. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I think these are achievable goals and dreams. I guess I'll see where I am in 2024.
Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
15 January 2013 @ 12:14 am
Had a slightly unconventional interview today and landed a job.
Last week a friend of mine asked if I could help out with a video shoot for her work. I said yes, because she is awesome and I liked the idea of doing something.
So this morning I got my ass out of bed and went in to meet the team. I guess they were looking for someone to take on the responsibility I was going to do this weekend permanently. So the boss said, this weekend would be a trial.
It thought - Cool! I may get paid. And it's a good experience. Then I joined the team for lunch and a journey to check out new office spaces. Along the way the boss was asking me questions, we clicked pretty fast and by the end of the day he asked me to join - at least for 3 months to see how I like it.
Pretty sweet, eh?
11 January 2013 @ 06:29 pm
It was a normal trip to grab dinner.
We parked in the lot and walked through the mud and melting snow toward Mr. Sub.
There was the faint aroma of pot from the kids who just finished school hanging around the shop.
We walked in, my mum and me. There was only the lady who worked the shop behind the counter.
"Hello, what can I get for you?"
"One assorted on multi-grain please."
"Cheese, lettuce, tomato?"
"Yes please and can we have pickles and green olives"
The lady looked at me, she recognized something.
"Anything else?"
"Yes, one Corn beef"
"Your dad, we haven't seen him for a while."
That was it. Our usual Friday order. A sub for me and him. Occasionally for mum or my sister. But mostly the the two of us. Mum was craving it today. He hadn't made the order in two years, maybe longer since he couldn't eat much toward the end.
Before I could respond my mum piped in.
"He passed away."
The second that lasts a lifetime. What will happen next? Will she ask questions? Try to change the subject?
She paused and looked shocked. Her eyes apologising for asking.
I smiled reassuringly. How was she supposed to know. We had been coming to this shop since it opened. But mum rarely came to this Mr. Sub - she was normally running errands on the other side of town when she grabbed a sub.
"How long?" The woman asked.
"Two years" mum mumbled.
She quickly made the second sub. And apologised for bringing it up. I smiled and tried to say everything with one look. "It's okay, you didn't know. It's been two years - we're okay. He went peacefully. It was his time." Too much for one look to say. But I tried.
As we walked out I felt sad. For the shop girl, for her feeling like she needed to apologise. For mum who went quiet. She had been thinking of him all day. That's probably why she wanted this sub. Mum has finally reached that point where she can remember the good time better than the bad. Did this bring back memories of the end?
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09 January 2013 @ 02:08 am
I've decided to use this blog again. I'm figuring some stuff out and this place helped me once. Before I start posting again though I decided to see what crap I left public when I was young and stupid when I started this thing in 2004!

Some things I've learned.

1. I was actually pretty good with my privacy settings. There are only a few things I've had to put back under "Friends Only" or "Private" and that stuff was mostly left open to the public because the people mentioned couldn't use the internet.

2. I was a whiny little shit. I was also a kid and angsty - so I can be forgiven. So if you go back - please don't judge me too harshly, I've grown and changed since then.

3. I was really negative for a while there. My friends are awesome for putting up with me and my long posts. Thank you. And I am proud to say most of you are still my good friends. I was and still am so lucky you're still around.

4. For a while I was really vocal about my political opinions. They've been tempered and I talked about my growing apathy (for Canadian politics). It's something I'm working on changing, because I miss that empowered, intelligent fighter I used to be.

5. I worked at the bookstore for a long time! And complained about it a lot for a while (almost a year). I should have quit then. Things got better (for five years) and then worse (for 18 months) and I finally left 3 weeks ago.

6. There was a while there where I was a TOTAL fangirl. More then that, I am surprised at how celebrity (Dom, JRM, Charlie Hunnam just to name a few) boy-crazed I was. There were real life crushes, but they only got a casual entry.

7. My goodness I was OBSESSED with 24 and Prison Break (season 1-2 at least). I don't remember liking prison break that much. 24 Season 1-3 yes, but 4? Really what was I thinking? Surprisingly not as much LOTR content as I expected.

8. The end of high school was an uninteresting as I remember it.

9. I may have been mentally unstable when I started this thing. My GOD 17/18 year old me flipped emotions like a switch. Melancholy rant followed by fangirling about a band followed by a note on my crazy annoying neighbour followed by a meme. I was BONKERS!

10. I was an idiot. I'm smarter now. I promise.
28 November 2010 @ 10:05 pm
I'm sorry. I've been reading the last few posts I have here and I seem to use this space to rant, rage and cry. This is a tear jerker. You've been warned.

In 12 hours I'll be floating above the Manitoba/Ontario border getting ready to land in Toronto. I got the call today. The call that said "You need to come home now. Dad doesn't have much time." My room mate is a saint. She got on her computer, drafted a letter to my school, while I got online and moved my Christmas flight set for 17 days from now to 6AM tomorrow.

My bags are packed. Now I'm waiting until 4:30 to leave for the airport.

It was the strangest feeling packing that bag. What am I packing for? Winter, Christmas? New Years? A funeral?
I packed for a month... who knows if I'll be back after the break.

Earlier today I handed in my last assignment for the term, now I have a week before the next term starts. So I will miss 2 weeks of school. Missing school isn't so bad, but there are only 10 weeks per term so who knows if I'll recover okay. But I guess that doesn't matter. But it's easier to think about than to think the thought I keep pushing back... what if I have to write the eulogy?

A few days ago I had a break, I realized he was going to die. Not just die, but be Gone. And all of the issues I've had with him would be forever stuck in time. I love him, but he wasn't always the best dad. He wasn't always the best husband. But he did the best he could. Right now I'm having trouble thinking about the good times with him because so many of them were coloured with my fear/judgement. I can't see past that bias. And it makes me feel like a bad daughter.

I am also afraid to see him. For him to look me in the eye and know how unsure I am. I don't want him to see that in me. I've been a brave little toaster away from home. When he looks at me he'll know how scared and alone I've felt.

Or maybe it's the timing. I finally felt at ease here. I made meaningful connections and I felt like me for the first time in months. I was wholly me. I could geek out, nerd out and be a giant loser. All of these things I call myself with love. And I finally felt like the old me who let other people's judgements roll off of me becasue at the end of the day I knew I was true to myself, a good person. I was excited to get back to school and show off my true courage. To show the new people in my life that I could be as happy as I've pretended to be. And now I am obligated to be sad and morose. And I don't feel like that.

The last 3 years I've been living in a dome, waiting for life to be taken. My attitude has been - it is what it is and I'll deal with it when it happens. Now that it's happening, I don't know how to act. I'm confused, angry, frustrated, sad, relieved, anxious...
29 August 2010 @ 08:35 pm
I'm not who you want.
I'm not who you want to be with right now.
I'm not the person you think I am.
As much as the last four weeks have changed me I am still who I always have been. I may want to change some of it, I can't bring myself to do it any faster. It feels to unnatural. Not wrong- but not right for me yet.
Maybe in 10 months I'll be closer to being that girl. Maybe in 10 months I'll be a better person capable of all that I think you want.
For right now though, I am me. I'm not always cheery. I can't turn off my emotions. I internalize a lot. I am not an open book.
That is just the way it has to be.
16 April 2010 @ 04:02 pm
Before my post I'll mention I'm doing BEDA (Blog every day in April) again. Here is the link. This is an expanded version of today's post.

So tonight I am heading out to celebrate my birthday but as usual there was a SNAFU in the plan. Someone else just cancelled their attendance. And I don't really mind that people aren't coming, I was just really excited that FOR ONCE someone would be around besides my family. Last year I never went out with my friends. It was exam time and we were all scattered so an "official" celebration never happened. And I really was okay with that. And I've been okay with it since the last real party I had was when I was 18 in my last year of hight school... but since then something ALWAYS goes wrong -
19 reservation cancelled
20 the bar sucked so we ended up somewhere else
21 I didn't plan anything (I may have watched Lord of the Rings with my sister)
22 I graduated the day before so the whole program went to a club that weekend. I never celebrated my birthday.
23 - cancelled
But this year I'm all muddled up and have no idea what will happened next year. Will I have any real friends to celebrate with? My family will be here and I'll be in BC. And now I feel pathetic for feeling sorry for myself.

I have some friends who are coming and I love those friends too, but when only one of my BEST friends can make it out of all the really cool people I hang out with and it kind of sucks. I mean other cool people will be there, but tonight some how turned into meet everyone's new boyfriend night. So I think I might be the ONLY single person there. And the one other single girl just cancelled on me. I spend much of my time with my friends taking care of them and listening to them. There were two people I could guarantee that would pay attention to me on my birthday and they aren't coming.
14 April 2009 @ 12:05 am

I just thought I'd let you all know I am on the ning participating in BEDA (Blog everyday in April) check me out there. My Ning.
19 January 2009 @ 12:10 am
I am feeling so down. I am cutting people out and I just want to feel life again.
I've been this roller coaster and I thought I was doing okay and this morning I felt chipper too. and then it all went down hill. I mean everyday has been a bit of  a roller coaster for me but normally I can buck up and take it. Today is different. I feel bad about certain people and things. Things I can't control. Reactions I can't make sense of and I feel like a terrible friend to some people right now. The thing is I am trying to be a good friend but this one friend was a bad friend and then I shut him out and now I am trying to make it better and I think he is now pissed at me because of a reaction I had to something he told me. My reaction wasn't this way or that it was just acceptance and I think he wanted me to throw a parade for him. But I just couldn't muster the strength to be super peppy and be a cheerleader. Because his life did something that it always eventually does, and yes it is good but it is also normal so I had a normal reaction. And now it feels worse than it did when he was treating me like crap for the last two months because he isn't even responding to me. But you know, I am going though stuff and I thought he'd understand and he doesn't he just is just expecting things to be like it was 7 months ago when my family was balanced. I mean my family has never been perfect but it was pretty good for once for two weeks it felt like that two weeks could have lasted a while longer and then it all got shook up. And after I told him about my dad he only once, ONCE in the bi-weekly conversations we had asked me how things were.

It's like he forgot and I get he hates his family but I was there for him when his sister was going though chemo for the second time and when he thought it was back again the week before my dad was diagnosed.

I don't know. I am just angry at him. And it seems to pop in my head a lot. Because so many people ask me about him, because I was the only one who kept connected to him, and now we couldn't be further apart.

There are other things on my mind, but I don't know what I want to say about it.
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Listening to: Wintersleep - Weighty Ghost