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19 January 2009 @ 12:10 am
This is kind of a run on sentence...  
I am feeling so down. I am cutting people out and I just want to feel life again.
I've been this roller coaster and I thought I was doing okay and this morning I felt chipper too. and then it all went down hill. I mean everyday has been a bit of  a roller coaster for me but normally I can buck up and take it. Today is different. I feel bad about certain people and things. Things I can't control. Reactions I can't make sense of and I feel like a terrible friend to some people right now. The thing is I am trying to be a good friend but this one friend was a bad friend and then I shut him out and now I am trying to make it better and I think he is now pissed at me because of a reaction I had to something he told me. My reaction wasn't this way or that it was just acceptance and I think he wanted me to throw a parade for him. But I just couldn't muster the strength to be super peppy and be a cheerleader. Because his life did something that it always eventually does, and yes it is good but it is also normal so I had a normal reaction. And now it feels worse than it did when he was treating me like crap for the last two months because he isn't even responding to me. But you know, I am going though stuff and I thought he'd understand and he doesn't he just is just expecting things to be like it was 7 months ago when my family was balanced. I mean my family has never been perfect but it was pretty good for once for two weeks it felt like that two weeks could have lasted a while longer and then it all got shook up. And after I told him about my dad he only once, ONCE in the bi-weekly conversations we had asked me how things were.

It's like he forgot and I get he hates his family but I was there for him when his sister was going though chemo for the second time and when he thought it was back again the week before my dad was diagnosed.

I don't know. I am just angry at him. And it seems to pop in my head a lot. Because so many people ask me about him, because I was the only one who kept connected to him, and now we couldn't be further apart.

There are other things on my mind, but I don't know what I want to say about it.
Tags: ,
Listening to: Wintersleep - Weighty Ghost
Not an enigma, just a contradiction.: Trudeau Rock Starthunder_and_sun on January 20th, 2009 02:25 am (UTC)
Ok so, a bunch of things.

1) Wintersleep- Weighty Ghost- yes, Yes, YES. I didn't notice right away it was on the Turn It Up CD (my Ipod is perpetually on shuffle), so I noticed at first, when I got it and then uploaded it, but then like forgot until a couple weeks ago it came on and I got SO HAPPY.

2) I tried to respond to you on facebook, but facebook is being a huge asshole so it wouldn't let me. Anyway- those Crocker quotes- so great, being reminded of those made my week.

3) I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. But I also know that there are no magic words for this situation (either the friend or the family sit)

4) I no I don't call all that often but I hope you still know that if you ever need anything I will be there and that my thoughts are often with you and your fam.

5) I dunno why I am still numbering things.

6) YOU are an AMAZING friend. Like we are talking EPIC proportions, and not Epic like "man that donut was Epic", Epic like, my life is so much better because you are in it and I will forever have an unreal fondness for the mirror drama activity because that's where I remember it all starting. If he can't see that then I feel sorry for him cause I know he is losing one of the best things he ever had.

7) I am so freakin' excited for Stratford- I know it's kinda far away but still.

8) I like you- a lot. For reals. Let's be friends forever. And have nights out and then come home and eat little pizza'a and ice cream and drink coolers. Cause I enjoyed that.

9) I miss you.

10) I'm pretty pumped that I got this list up to 10- just cause it's one of my fav. numbers. Love ya.
kry_86: 24 - Jack- <lj user=" title="kry_86: 24 - Jack- " />kry_86 on January 22nd, 2009 04:16 am (UTC)
1. I love the list
2. Wintersleep = amazing... see them live
3. Crocker = my hero
4. I appreciate that you are always there, and always have my back. Knowing that is all I really need sometimes.
5. Numbering things is fun some times
6. "man that donut WAS epic"
7. I got the tickets for Stratford in the mail the otherday! woot!
8. Colm Feore is on 24 and was on Q (cbc radio) yesterday. It was an awesome Colm sort of day (he is in Stratford)
9. Colm Feore =hero
10. I miss you too
11. Because I just wanted to one up you with the list, ten is cool but eleven is one cooler.
Not an enigma, just a contradiction.: curlingthunder_and_sun on January 22nd, 2009 07:08 pm (UTC)
1. I'm happy the list idea worked out. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.
2. I have indeed already seen wintersleep live. Good times for sure.
3. Crocker= also my hero. He should basically be everyone's hero. I wish we could still go visit him at SSS
4. Anytime.
5. When I was a kid I loathed lists- not so much anymore.
6. You know what was epic? That time I came home for reading week, and we had epic donuts and ice caps / whatever you drink from Tims and watched Slings and Arrows and got super pumped about going to Stratford. That was like EPIC squared. Just throwin' it out there
7. WOO-HOOO - that is also epic.
8. Huzzah- I shall find a way to get that Q interview, I downloaded the one with Paul Gross a while back and it was on youtube, so hopefully this one will be just as easy to get.
9. Agreed. Also the guy who is playing Duncan has done some TV stuff and is awesome. He played Bill Davis (Ont. premier) in the trudeau miniseries with Colm Feore
10. Also, just because I feel the need to say it again, Paul Gross =hero as well. Seriously. He just says what he thinks and it makes me happy. So, I guess warning there- cause when reading week comes around I will still be trying to convert everyone to him.
11. Wheee- 11.
12. And this is here just because I am enjoying this and want it to keep going.