I wake up in the morning and I forget. My life is what it once was, there is no evil lurking at my door. The rug is not about to be swept from under my feet. All is the same as it has always been. And then I remember that everything is different. My life is not the same.
Since I found out, I've been avoiding it. It is so easy to lie to myself. I told myself wait for all the results and then deal. Because there is nothing I can do about it. And there still is nothing I can do about it. But since learning that he will die from this, I found it's been harder to lie to myself. And the moments are more frequent.
I used to have them only when I woke up and then the dark cloud would follow me everywhere. I could smile through it. I could be me, just a little sadder... now I find I get happy for a moment, laugh at a joke and then I remember and it's like the world is crumbling around me.
He's not going to get better.
I can't lie and say it's a possibility.
It's in him and it won't go away.
And then he will die because it is there.