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24 September 2008 @ 12:26 am
I've been having these moments.

I wake up in the morning and I forget. My life is what it once was, there is no evil lurking at my door. The rug is not about to be swept from under my feet. All is the same as it has always been. And then I remember that everything is different. My life is not the same.

Since I found out, I've been avoiding it. It is so easy to lie to myself. I told myself wait for all the results and then deal. Because there is nothing I can do about it. And there still is nothing I can do about it. But since learning that he will die from this, I found it's been harder to lie to myself. And the moments are more frequent.

I used to have them only when I woke up and then the dark cloud would follow me everywhere. I could smile through it. I could be me, just a little sadder... now I find I get happy for a moment, laugh at a joke and then I remember and it's like the world is crumbling around me.

He's not going to get better.
I can't lie and say it's a possibility.
It's in him and it won't go away.
And then he will die because it is there.
Mood: melancholymelancholy
Okay, so this is a hard one for me. In part because I don't know if I have the guts to be more honest with myself here than I do in my head. I keep pushing my real feelings away from me. My dad has cancer... there it's out there for all the world to know and understand my crazy mood swings! It has and hasn't hit me. I cried about it for the first time three days ago, after almost three weeks of knowing. Before that I was just waiting. My eyes would get teary but never full on tears. The same thing kind of happened after my uncle passed... it took a while for the tears to come. But I had way more relief when they came than I did this time. It was also a one time thing, I'm sure it will hit me again at some point.

I know I'm angry but that anger makes me feel guilty. I don't know what to do with it.

I've kept myself busy, ignoring a lot of what I'm feeling because I'm at home and I don't want to take my anger out on my family. There are some friends who I've turned to for distraction... most don't know what's going on with me though. So you now all officially have permission to let it flow through the grape vine, so I won't have to have awkward conversations announcing it. That's the other reason I'm writing this is so you all know and let it flow through the group.

On the note of awkward conversations. I finally had to field one of the family phone calls, and the least likely person hit the situation right on the head and I didn't know what to say. Her words of comfort were not really comforting, but hard hitting simply because it was honest... for once an honest response from her. But I couldn't comfort her any more than she could comfort me. And it didn't help that I was on the phone and she couldn't see my head nodding in agreement, probably making things more awkward.
Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Listening to: The Fratellis - Mistress Mabel
05 May 2008 @ 03:46 pm
My mum has this habit of hitting be with a lot of serious information when we are stuck alone in the car. I got a huge bomb of information and it was probably the first time she was so frank with me about the subject matter. At times I know she safeguards me and doesn't tell me everything, and I prefer when she does this sometimes just so I won't have to deal with stuff, but this time I got the whole picture and I'm not sure what to do with it.
21 September 2007 @ 10:39 pm
So crazy! I was just thinking of a song - The Pixies- Where is my Mind and then I go upstairs to my family room and some music from outside was interrupting my TV viewing, and some guy on the street is playing where is my mind! CRAZY!

EDIT: Now it's annoying, as for the last 10 minutes they have sat in their car listening to music, and now they're singing... loudly. before they were listening.
Mood: tiredtired
Listening to: Where is my mind
11 September 2007 @ 01:10 am
I'm kind of feeling that calm before the storm feeling. Although nothing spectacularly bad has happened, just some minor squabbles. With some major highs (Paolo Nutini)! I kind of feel like the tiniest feather will knock me over soon.
Mood: weirdweird
I feel like I'm getting it from all angles. There is an odd sort of symmetry happening at work and home. The battle is on and I feel like my soul is being torn into several pieces and spread around the battle ground. I was going to explain, but that says it all. I am a casualty of war, forever in no man's land.
Mood: gloomygloomy
Listening to: Jenny Don't Be Hasty - Paolo Nutini
17 August 2007 @ 06:26 pm
Do you know what's creepy? When someone rings the door bell asking for my dad and my sister answers the door and the person says
"Is your dad home? ... Your dad right? "
CREEPY! First my dad is going to be 60 next year. Second my sister LOOKS like him!
CREEPY! My father isn't running around with some woman half his age!
Mood: blahblah
21 July 2007 @ 06:28 am
If there is one thing, and one thing only that I miss about waking up this early, it's seeing mornings like this. It's so beautiful and peaceful out there.
Mood: peacefulpeaceful
27 June 2007 @ 08:42 pm
It's almost here! Harry Potter is almost over.And the movie comes out in a few weeks! BAHHAAAGGGAAA! I am going to explode with excitement! In honour of the Harry Potterness about to unfold. I have found one of the few pieces of fanfic that I read AND liked.... hahahaha biggerstaff
Nekked Quiddich

I mocked Voldemort ask me how.
Mood: giddygiddy
12 June 2007 @ 07:21 pm

secretwhispers introduced me to this and I probably visit the mysterious ticking sound at least twice a day... I LOVE IT. If you haven't seen it on my facebook, you must watch it now and enjoy! It won't let me embed videos so here are the links.

Mysterious ticking Noise

I watch this one at least once a day. I think Harry needs a hug

Wizard Angst

Mood: angryANGST
Listening to: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape, Dumbledore!